The Upside of Love Not Going Well!

I remember being at a workshop about 10 years ago, when the question was asked “What is available in the heart?” “What would you say is missing in the heart?”

People answered with I have been hurt too much to love another person again, so I am afraid, or I don’t know what loving another looks like, as it hasn’t been modelled to me, etc etc. The answers kept coming… Love had let down a lot of people!!! People did not feel “oneness”. Me included,

 The Heart

Our teacher, Mada Dalian remarked amongst other things, that once you are in the heart there is no separation…. She again asked, “what is missing in the heart for oneness to happen?” She wanted us to get closer to understanding what was actually sitting in the heart, that was sapping up all the energy. We discovered through more probing that all our unmet needs were sitting in our heart!

Mada shared

“Love Happens When You Overflow And There Is No Need And Then You Can Share”.

Interesting, no “need……’ That was something very new to hear.

At that time, I was full of upset, heartbreak, fear, grief, bitterness and more….. I had no idea, that underneath all of that were, demands, expectations, ideologies, judgments, projections, separations. With all that sitting in my chest, I had no ability to trust life or be happily flowing with it in joy. I had no idea, because I thought I was doing my best, and that others were to blame, but when this statement was made, I could see, I had “nothing to offer” to my relationship except my neediness. I was depleted and lost for answers too.

The so called Love we all crave, had failed me, and here I was in a workshop trying to grasp what I could do about it. I was being told very kindly, that in my state, my heart was only able to share its needs, not its fullness…. Needy for attention, Needy for affection, Needy for connection, Needy for validation. The list was exhausting.

 The Inner Child

As children we are filled with needs, often expecting parents to fulfill both our physical and unspoken emotional needs too, as if they are mind readers! With such a tall order placed on them, we inevitably end up with our “unmet needs”. These have to be dealt with, by ourselves, so that we can claim back our power.

These unmet needs are not the responsibility of anyone around us. But, unfortunately, we mistakenly place this burden on our life partners instead, under the guise that this person should love me, pushing them “away” even further in that process. It is like carrying a begging bowl in your hand.

Looking back now, I was in a loop of total despair.

 The People Pleasing Had to Stop

Mada actually said “What are you going to give if you do not see what is missing there?” She clearly stated, it is not “I want to give!!!” This was a novel concept – to look for what was missing. I had been trying to please, to get. I didn’t know why none of that was working. A radical shift, and one that involved me taking responsibility for my state, instead of throwing blame at the people failing me had to unfold…

This is where my true inward journey began, and fortunately it has slowly empowered me to find more of my full and overflowing heart again. Mada calls this the process of “healing your wounded ego” into a healthy state. If there is a deep need we truly have, it is totally the “need” for the correct type of education early in our life, so that we can contain and minimize some of the suffering that goes on in the pursuit of love.

 The Fears

Mada went on to say “The lack of feeling okay with being alone drives us to find other people to fill that emptiness inside. We tend to run away from that emptiness instead of welcoming it and filling it with our own presence.”

Wow! I had no idea that my fear to be alone was at the root of much of my troubles. But of course, now, that makes total sense to me. My fear of my own emptiness was my burden. The void just felt painful. Sure, coming from a family of five siblings, I had barely spent any time alone. And for sure, it scared me. I felt happy only in company with others. I hated silence.

That fear to be alone, had become only too clear, when I had emigrated to Canada, leaving behind people I had been dependent on. The depth of this full understanding did not sink in all quickly however. It progressively became clearer, the more aware I became of my own fears. Had I been able to grasp this earlier in my life, I might have had a direction to look into, and explore, so that I could overcome that fear sooner in my life.

 The Transformation

This fear, and its transformation was of pivotal importance to me as a parent, when my middle and youngest children left for university. I wanted them empowered and not locked by its crippling effects. Thankfully Mada helped both of them to overcome threads of this anguish before they left to enjoy their independence.

Mada went on to enlighten even further in that workshop – “In that emptiness everything is there! That is where things come from to share, truly from a space of no ego. That is where existence flows through you! ”

I had no idea what this meant. Emptiness? Something flowing through me? “No ego?” Time and concerted efforts to keep looking in, helped me to grasp more of this, as each year continued. I even had experiences of that “emptiness” and started to become adjusted to it inside. The most recent adjustment to it happened when my youngest daughter left for university in August this year. The emptiness felt despairing initially and then slowly became comfortable, as my ego let-go, a bit at a time, and my own presence began to be noticed instead!

 Self- Realization

Mada demystified self-realization by saying “Self realization is simply to look inside and to see what is missing – what are the holes that need to be filled and what is inside that is not happening?”

This demystification became a mantra for me…. I knew I “had to” to keep finding my holes, and I had to discover more of what was inside. This seemed like the only thing that was important and became a full time objective for almost 11 years now.

 Inner Understanding

I can see clearly how we are to “Let the failure of love outside of us, throw us inside”, so that the holes that need plugging can be plugged! This failure of love outside, becomes our motivation, or it certainly has been for me.

 Presence and the Paradox