Despair
During the last full moon, I found myself falling into despair, fighting with my own head, as all its’ previous focus was crumbling right before me.
I had acutely become aware that there is nothing that we truly keep from life, and thus all emphasis on relationships, connection, money, goals, homes, ambitions seemed totally pointless. The empty nest syndrome had alerted me to some of this, and the growing awareness inside me was telling me I have no choice but to let go of all that is familiar. But let go to where?
Nothingness
I had no desire to chase a new goal or distract myself away from my uncomfortable feelings. Leaving Saphren, our youngest daughter at Kingston, and watching the other kids in their independence, alerted me to the fact that I now could not “bear” my own emptiness. I had been dependent on them for meaning in my life. Without them I was met with nothingness, and that felt excruciatingly painful.
I was not in anxiety or hopelessness or in any sense, with suicidal thoughts as I had been back in 2007, but a dark cloud was once again clamping down on me. This dark cloud was over my crown, and freedom seemed illusive. … I was teary, afraid to let go, but knowing I had to. I was beginning to fight with my mind, the same mind that I have, to date, been so reliant on.
I did not want to fall into nothingness….
Our Mind
You see, I had clearly understood, that my MIND DOESN’T KNOW anything …. and with this, as it was crumbling, a fear of turning into a zombie was arising. I could not force myself to set a new target and did not know my new direction at all. All was at a standstill of confusion. Stuck and disorientated I sat.
Neither a new goal, nor stay where I was at, was possible. I felt as though I was coming out of a dream, knowing it is not real, only the dream was actually the life I had been leading. That was a real awakener….
I had been clinging onto meaning where there was none. I had lived busily, doing and doing, but now I saw I was to keep none of it. Nothingness was my destiny too, at death.
Then I met with my dearest friend Mada Eliza Dalian. I was helped through understanding that I was not welcoming the nothingness, and my emptiness but instead was identified with physical forms. Forms that too will disappear, and yet within them is the unknown and emptiness. I saw the true illusion of life and all my unnecessary attachments.
We hold on, to all that we see, afraid of our nothingness.
Creativity
With relief, I left knowing, Conscious choice simplifies life. “Me” now is a priority in the illusion of form, along with my capacity to bear its’ emptiness. I can co- exist with whoever I choose to be with, but knowing it is all a temporary existence, an illusion of meaning, and I am truly alone in it.
An existential and renewed focus to “Know Who am I?”, “What am I here to do?” and “Where will I go after I die” arose. Nothing else is of importance now.
Be in the world, but not of it. Not wanting or expecting from others, but living in maturity. Finding and sharing my creativity – so that fulfillment from within can arise. Revel in the joy that comes with it, and expand it through increased consciousness.
Life has only just begun ………………….my purpose is to be happy, doing what pleases me, and to not take anything too seriously!
