Love and Conflict
I love my kids – like so very deeply! I am sure you do too, if you have any. Love is that open sky that we all human beings float in. Yet, I do not always agree with them and their decisions. Especially when I feel they are compromising themselves, playing small, or being coerced by manipulation.
Trusting the Unknown
At times like those mentioned in the last paragraph, my stomach feels sick, and I feel afraid to trust the unknown. My individuality says one thing, and because I have a few extra years of experience under my belt, their innocent wings look like they are taking them elsewhere…
I know, I must trust their direction, as who am I to interfere in their blueprint, but yet, I cannot always do this easily. My mothers’ instinct to “protect” kicks in, and I trip over, into a clash, trying to influence them to go elsewhere.
Surrender, Even if Non-surrendering Happens
This weekend has been one of those weekends. I have been struggling to surrender to their choices. I feel scared and have not known what to do. I have even seen that the right thing, is to let go, and let them fall, if necessary. That has been unpalatable and felt awful.
Wisdom and Unconsciousness Go Hand in Hand.
Their own way to navigate their lives, is all that they can do – not live it my way. I get that. They have their own wisdom, and their own unconsciousness. I get that.
I know nothing about the big picture that will be lived by each of them, and how these two things of wisdom and lack of it, will play out, interacting with one another, moment to moment, until the unconsciousness shifts…
And yet, even if I know all that, I do trip over, when I think they are walking towards danger. Ooh! I so wish I can just watch, and stay detached..
Authentic Suffering
I mean this weekend, I have ended up with heart pain, and searing pain through my left arm and fingers. The tears that have flowed of anguish from my own eyes, have been hard for my mama bear heart to take. It has felt like a life or death decision and such a heavy responsibility to ignore.
A mothers’ journey is quite unbelievable! An ultimate test of pure unconditional love – it is a chiselling of one into rising higher – so that “freedom and trust” wrapped together, can be in all her interactions…
Freedom and Trust – Ultimate Love
I am working on that, and giving myself some patience and grace. I know oneday I may finally let go of the invisible chord of my perceived responsibility to them, and set them totally free.
Until then, I will brush myself off, when I fall over, like I did this weekend, as that maternal instinct to “save” is so deeply noisy, and it can only back off, when it humbly recognises that existence will always have the last say….
There is nothing I can do to change their fate. I can only influence if they are open to my suggestions. Beyond that, I have to remain detached and loving.
