How to understand Anger

“Anger…like a fire can burn up everything in sight.
In the ashes are born many possibilities!
We can stay stuck, or take responsibility to discover our triggers and transcend these tendencies”

-Kindi Gill

Anger – Is it Good or is it Bad?

When I was younger I was frightened of anger outside of me. I had no idea what impact my own angry moments were doing, but I certainly knew to be afraid if someone was angry with me or at me!

Anger usually meant that I was wrong. Something I had done did not meet expectations and thus I was in error. I never questioned the validity of this basic belief. I just knew I was in trouble, and accepted things to be my fault.

I hated a conflict. Wanted to avoid it, and yet fell into it quite easily too, certainly if my own expectations were not being met…ie the reverse of the above.

So, I wonder, was it bad to make noise when my expectations were not being met?

So, I wonder, was it foolish to assume that if someone was angry that I was at fault? Are someone’s expectations of you always correct? Are we wrong to take them on?

We have to set our boundaries and thus to be angry when someone is treading on our wishes, surely means that using our anger in this way could be a good thing too.

Perhaps we should not be so terrified of conflict after all? Conflict for the sake of conflict achieves nothing, except a vicious cycle of misery, but to use conflict as an investigative affair reaps rewards….especially if some degree of self awareness opens up in our contemplations and explorations.

Anger and what it hides

I have discovered that anger is fairly complex if dissected. It can hide control, hide fear, and even has the ability to mask sadness too. It can prove to be extremely useful to create healthy boundaries, but it is also destructive and has a violent aspect to it too.

An angry person can force another to conform, compromise their own desires and thus its power as an effective control mechanism is strong. It can even be used to suppress someone elses’ happiness too, and often bully’s thrive in knowing that their own insecurities can be hidden behind their anger.

Angry people can use and manipulate others to meet their own needs and in such scenarios anger yields unhappiness.

However when self contemplation is happening and the moments of anger are used as a clue for self transformation, much good can come out of these outbursts.

If I am angry with one of my children , there is usually a fear hidden underneath the outburst.

Take for example: My child is rude, and I feel anger at their attitude. Of course this anger is arising from the fact that I am afraid that I am going to be, or have been embarrassed, or that I am afraid that my child is going to hurt themselves by the consequences of their rudeness, i.e being rejected by others, or that I am afraid that “we”, my child and I, are going to be judged.

Fear is driving this type of anger.

If I am angry that I cannot learn a new concept or achieve something, this type of anger is often hiding sadness.

Take for example: I am wanting to put my energy out and teach, and yet I have not utilized my power in an effective way to materialize this. Well in such a situation my anger or frustration would be because of the sadness that all my creativity is sitting dormant, waiting to germinate new ideas! Life is short, and the new energy of creative ideas and power is wanting to be deployed, and becoming impatient!

If I am angry at someone accusing me of a wrong accusation, then in such a situation my anger is protecting me and creating a healthy boundary. Sometimes anger has to be used to say “No”, particularly to people that are deeply unconscious. No…this is not going to be tolerated, as a principle of self respect and protection of self worth, is a measure in which a non valid attack has to be thwarted.

Anger and Connection

If I have a driver tooting me, because of their own impatience, I don’t take it on…there is nothing personal in such a scenario. Why disturb my mood, just because someone else is in a rush!!! I ignore and get on with my own day. I adopt Miguel Ruiz principle from the four agreements, that nothing happening outside of us is personal…so don’t take it on as if personal!

However when a child or partner is furious in my home….instead of taking this to be a bad thing, as I would have once rushed to conclude, I now begin to quickly understand that expectations for that person have not been met. I am clear, they are their expectations.

That does not mean anything is wrong with me! Who knows what conditioning is driving their expectations. That is up for debate and evaluation.

The thing I do now know is that person is for sure hiding fear, sadness, wishing to create a boundary, or wanting to control and manipulate. That is the real issue that has arisen and needs to be understood, so that family dynamics do not disintegrate unnecessarily. Matching anger with anger never seems to yield dividends but sometimes is unavoidable.

A conversation is never enough to engender decent connection whilst the anger is in full motion, particularly since this often induces defensive responses, but sharing the truth of how YOU felt the experience, at a later more calmer moment certainly helps with true connection.

Acknowledging that the outburst was never meant to be personal, helps one to find true heart-centered connection. Taking responsibility for our own fear, sadness, control, expectations, certainly helps to eradicate long term adverse conclusions and apologizing when appropriate is the key to a proper resolution.

Evolution for us as Human beings

Family dynamics are designed to teach us something. And every day brings a new adventure to encounter. We as human beings are meant to transcend our notions of judgments, expectations of others, our devious attempts to manipulate to get our own needs met, and transcend our natural desire to control and hide our insecurities.

As we transcend we become more loving, shine our wisdom, and become happier in general. We take responsibility for our own emotions, transform our non serving qualities and dissolve fears that sabotage the beauty of our life.

So the next time you experience anger…ask it…what is it trying to show you? A revelation worth having will show up!